Camp Breasties Reflection

Community is everything.

I have felt very confused while attempting to deal with my emotions throughout diagnosis and treatment. I couldn't acknowledge what I was feeling because I was embarrassed. I was very hesitant to let myself dive deep into my troubles because... it hurt too bad. It hurt and it felt lonely.

I had been avoiding any sort of support group or therapy because I didn't want to go down that road and become more emotional than I already was. My friend found The Breasties on instagram and I decided to give a virtual meet up a try... I was so nervous and was very timid to log in but once I started listening and opening up, it was comforting. Being (virtually) surrounded by women who had the same pain and insecurities created a safe space to acknowledge how cancer has really affected me. When The Breasties announced they would be doing their Camp Breasties virtually this year, I knew it was something I needed to explore. Even though it couldn't be in person for safety reasons, they ensured that "Community is not cancelled."

So... I went to camp for the weekend!

Camp Breasties kicked off on Thursday night and ran through Sunday evening. Sessions consisted of informative panels, body and mind workouts, and cabin chats. I wanted to attend as many sessions as possible in order to get the most out of camp. I knew the weekend would be a great experience, but I was blown away! It was incredible. We spoke about inclusion and the difference in health opportunities. I listened to experts discuss how the pandemic affects cancer patients with active and past treatment. I met INCREDIBLE women and bonded over the same struggles and pain we had from cancer. I left Camp Breasties with a completely new outlook and feeling of comfort about my journey.

In order to honor the privacy of my fellow Breasties, I will not share details of what was discussed in these emotional conversations; however, I hope to convey how this community brought me hope and encourage you to seek out a tribe who understands your struggles. After my final cabin chat on Sunday evening, I thought it was important to reflect and share how this weekend lifted me up.

I have been incredibly lucky to have the most supportive friends and family through my journey; however, it has been really difficult to fully express the insecurities and hopelessness I feel. It is a defense mechanism I have practiced in many moments of my life. It is unhealthy and it has historically led to my hurt becoming worse. When these feelings are constantly being pushed down and ignored, they eventually build up in a much more painful manner.

Throughout my cancer jouney, I have changed. I am a different person physically and mentally. This is hard to accept in such a short amount of time but Camp Breasties gave me a sense of direction.

Physical change... now that has been obvious. First off, I clearly have a new hair-do. Beyond that, the massive amount of chemo chemicals, steroids and injections putting my body into menopause have taken a toll on my appearance and how my body feels. My face was blown up, my eyes were glossed over and sunken, and working out felt like all my muscle ability had deteriorated. Many of those impacts have lessened since active treatment; however, I will forever have the physical change of a mastectomy.

It's funny... my entire treatment I confidently declared "get rid of them, they tried to kill me!". It wasn't until the mastectomy was over that I began to mourn the loss of my boobs. I was unavoidably aware that a part of my body had been cut off. The part of my body that made me a woman. It was a loss I never thought I would grieve because I felt the replacement implants would make me feel whole again. Once again, I buried these emotions and the pressure of my sadness continued to grow.

Mental change... this was something I realized over time. I've noticed positive and negative developments. Let's start with positive! My first day of being diagnosed, my oncologist said you will lose all patience for "B.S." and he was right! I have become a much more outspoken and real version of myself. I value and try to express my appreciation for the amazing friends by my side. I have realized that true friendship is what gives me happiness in life so I have tried to ensure that I am a supportive friend back, I regret the moments that I've been too sick or too tired to be there for them, but hope to make up all those times up when I'm back to me.

The negatives have been overwhelming and difficult to navigate. The insecurities I have felt about my new appearance have been unbearable at times. GOSH I wish I was bigger than this. I wish I didn't care how I looked. I felt vein and weak... but it was devastating seeing old pictures of myself. This carefree girl with long blonde hair flipping her way through life with a huge smile on her face. Oh, how I wished that was still me. I tried to tell myself this body BEAT CANCER! How am I so mean to myself? Why can't I see the bigger picture? I've realized this insecurity is much bigger than materialistic looks. It's about who I was as a HEALTHY person. I wasn't scared, I wasn't hurting. I've been hurting for the last 11 months. I dream of the ease of the old me. I still feel embarrassed typing this out.

Now, being single through this cancer journey. I can't tell you how many moments I asked myself... why couldn't I have met "the one" before this? When I had my long blonde hair and wasn't constantly in and out of surgery. When I've met guys (wearing my super cute wigs) there was a constant thought in the back of my head of when I was going to have to break it to them that what they saw wasn't real. I started being more open about it with guys I met and I could feel them instantly back off and feel pity for me. (not what you want when you want him to ask for your number). I've recently taken a step back from this insecurity and prayed for patience and peace while I wait for the right person down the road.

There are many more emotions, but if I go through every pain point through this journey we'd be here all night... so I will leave it at that because those are the emotions I was lucky enough to share in the cabin chats at Camp Breasties.

I had been holding all of that in for so long. I've wanted to scream, I've wanted to cry, I've wanted to curl up in a blanket in the dark.

I would not have been able to gather the courage to express myself honestly without the incredibly supportive space provided by my fellow Breasties. I shared these feelings with the group and it was FREEING. Sharing brought me to tears multiple times but guess what... I wasn't alone. Breasties are at all stages of their diagnosis/previvorship/treatment and they could all relate and support what I had been feeling for almost a year. I was no longer ashamed or silent that I was hurting. I was immediately greeted with similar experiences and empathy of how cancer had affected me.

As someone who is always timid about sharing in groups, I had changed by the end of the weekend. I was inspired to speak up, I was grateful to connect with others, and I was thankful to find a place of cancer community.

Whether you are going through cancer or any other life challenge, I encourage you to explore groups that make you feel comfortable listening or even sharing your story.

Although all my troubles were not magically solved in a weekend, it was an amazing first step that truly gave me hope that everything will be ok. I felt like I belonged and had a safe place to express my most painful thoughts.

I am inspired and have a positive outlook forward.

"Community is not cancelled" - The Breasties.