One of the most difficult parts of being diagnosed is the mental and emotional toll cancer takes on the mind and body. I want to share some of the many emotions I have felt and the mindset I have taken in the hopes to cope with a drastic life change, a cancer diagnosis and an extensive treatment plan. What has worked for me may not be the answer for you, but hopefully it provides a direction to those struggling to keep moving forward.
Cancer is a Rollercoaster:
I want to start by saying I have not handled my every emotion perfectly... and I've had to learn and accept that it is ok. Holding yourself to an expectation that you will always be brave and stoic is unhealthy and unrealistic. I have had devastating emotions that have left me sobbing; and other times I've strutted bald and confident through my neighborhood. Cancer is an emotional rollercoaster.
Throughout Bald & Boujee, I will be diving much deeper about each of these subjects; however, I wanted to share the ones that have been most prominent through my journey. The highs and lows have been so drastically different, sometimes occurring within moments of each other.
It all started with being diagnosed. What a terrible, mind twisting, chaotic day. When I first received the call, I could not grasp a normal comprehensive thought. My brain refused to respond to simple task direction. "Open the door, Eli." "That door right in front of you." Ok... the door is open. Now, "Find car.""Where is car?""Ok, I think the car is over there". The news flipped by entire world and left me in an inescapable fog. This is how my journey began.
Devastating emotions are inevitable while navigating a cancer diagnosis.
The type of cancer and chemotherapy necessary for me immediately led to fertility decisions. As a single, 27 year old, fertility had not been on my mind whatsoever previous to my diagnosis. I was asked at my first oncologist appointment if I was interested in freezing my eggs before chemotherapy in order to have a chance to have biological children one day. My answer was immediately "yes." I was thrilled to have the opportunity to go through IVF before treatment; however, it lead to dark thoughts about doing it early in life without a life partner. It also led to wishing that my diagnosis had come at a later phase of life. I kept asking "Why couldn't this have happened AFTER I had my family?"
First day of chemotherapy butterflies. Wow, what butterflies they were! The word "chemo" was terrifying for me. It was the fear of the unknown along with the images of chemo painted by society through tv and movies. The biggest realization about chemo is that while you're there receiving meds, it is calm and uneventful. You walk out the same feeling you walked in. My experience was leaving chemo in a normal state and then gradually feeling the affects come on.
I want to close out introducing some of my major emotional moments by discussing information overload. The beginning of diagnosis is filled with daily appointments, procedures, and discussions about long term treatment plans. Saying it is extremely overwhelming is putting it lightly. Every appointment introduces you to new Doctors and teams that own a piece of your overall treatment plan. I continuously felt like I was drinking information from a firehouse which left my head spinning and exhausted. My greatest recommendations: 1. Bring a family member or friend to help digest the information. 2. Have yourself and your companion write down notes to later refer back to.
These are only a few instances of my emotional rollercoaster. I will be sharing these and more later in the blog to form a better narrative of my experience.
My Fighter Mindset:
I am in no way an expert, but I would love to share the mindset I have adopted to better cope with my cancer journey.
The first thing I did was learn how to accept my new situation. I have cancer and life is very different because of it. I also learned to honor the understanding that there are people in worse situations. This has allowed me to humble myself through my dark moments and be thankful for the positives that truly still exist for me.
I have taken my treatment plan and broken it into phases in order to stay focused on the battle I am facing in the moment. This has created smaller goals and celebrations along the way. For instance... breaking different chemo meds into phases has allowed me to have an achievable goal in the near future... I will be celebrating the completion of Phase 1 of my chemo while pumping myself up for my Phase 2. Phase 3 is surgery.
Breaking down the daunting length of my treatment plan truly allows me to focus and fight the daily battle in front of me. The next phases will inevitably come, and when they do, I will be ready to fight.
I am not handling every situation perfectly, but I have direction and goals to come back to when I get lost. I take each appointment at a time and strive toward my smaller treatment goals. It has become clear that I need to allow myself to feel the devastating thoughts. It has been incredibly important to let my emotions out in order to keep fighting forward.
You are such an inspiration and stronger than even you can imagine. Thank you for allowing me to come on a small part of your journey with you. You stay in my thoughts and prayers.